Sex, Petraeus and Other Debacles

The best military statesman since George C Marshal has just been forced from public office as CIA director for a "scandal" that would cause few Hollywood celebrities to even blush.  David Petraeus' affair with his biographer should not even be public knowledge, let alone end the service of a leader who is on every short list for cabinet posts and is often mentioned as a serious contender for the presidency.

To end this pious nonsense requires drastic action.  We must forthwith amend the Constitution as follows:

“The private sexual acts of consenting adults shall not be prohibited by law, nor shall such acts be observed, questioned or revealed without the prior mutual agreement of the parties thereto.

Had this amendment been in place a decade ago much salacious wastage of newsprint could have been avoided:

-- Bill Clinton would have never been impeached or even exposed; Ken Starr's bullying of Monica Lewinsky would have been unconstitutional.  And we would never have learned what the meaning of “is” is..

-- Tiger Woods would have continued to dominate professional golf at the height of his skill and the only spice on the sports pages would have been the erectile dysfunction ads.

-- We might have never learned that John Edwards, a former Democratic senator and candidate for higher office, loved his hair more than his wife or his many children.

-- A gaggle of half-forgotten, wholly hypocritical GOP congressional leaders might never have confessed to their infidelities while attempting to run Clinton out of office for the same conduct.

-- Elliot Spitzer's New York sins would not have forced him out, and he just might have curbed Wall Street's "Masters of the Universe" before they unleashed financial Armageddon.

-- “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” would not have been just for homosexuals, and the principle conveyed by the slogan would have protected private conduct from exposure by third parties.

–  Tens of thousands of adult men and women convicted for doing what comes naturally for pay would not have been charged – or even been rousted. Civilization might tremble a bit, but it would not fall if prostitutes and their customers were accorded a scrap more respect than drug dealers and car jackers.

Of course, as these examples from the headlines show, a lot of what we have considered immoral conduct would have slipped by unexposed and unpunished. Many acts of contrition and confession, public and private, genuine and self serving, would never have been performed, at least to the point of naming names.

Would that have been good or bad? Probably some of both. .Much would depend on both how Congress chose to implement the amendment and how the Supreme Court decided cases on appeal. Legal wrangling certainly would center around the Supremes’ adjudication of what is “private,” “consenting,” “adult” and ”mutual.” But this is our normal way of finding out what we have wrought with any constitutional change.

Pulpits would thunder and marchers clog the streets in support or opposition, and attention would be paid as it should be when the people assemble. Teachers might titter and blush a bit while wondering how to approach this new topic, but it won’t hurt to have our hormonal adolescents scouring the Constitution for the good parts.  At least they will have read it, and afforded their instructors a chance to point out that with new freedom comes new responsibility.

More important would be our kitchen table verdicts, reached, no doubt, after the young ones were in bed.  But in the end I believe that this tolerant nation would wonder (1) why all this constitutional hoopla was necessary to ensure the privacy of private conduct and (2) how did we ever get along without it.